Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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