Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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