dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
