I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
