man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
