i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
