I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
