When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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