nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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