i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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