literally had 100 drinks last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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