Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The power of my boobs compel you
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
