low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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