I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
