I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
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