Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
