good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
