I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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