Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
