Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
