Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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