im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
