I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
