Plan B is the new Plan A
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
