Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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