if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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