Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
