it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
