Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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