New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
