Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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