i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everyone says I win the strip club
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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