thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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