Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
