dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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