alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
