Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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