We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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