Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
