Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
