remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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