I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
