I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
you made out with another girl for some wings
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
