Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This is the high leading the old right now
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Randomize
