I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
