You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
