He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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