Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Small penises have feelings too.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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