the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
