When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
