You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
